worry and weakness

last night i went to bed early.
i needed to get some rest and spend some time alone with Jesus.
it had been a rough day.
and i felt like satan had won.

you know those days, when you've got the blues... or the mean reds (what my sister calls it when you're just mad for no reason at all). things that shouldn't discourage you, do. things that shouldn't bother you, do. things that you would normally shake off are a bit more...challenging.
and the whole time i was talking to the Lord, saying "i know this isn't a big deal. i know You're bigger, so this is something You can totally handle and i can trust You with it." but i still kept coming back to anxiety, over-thinking, and discouragement.

i don't have the answers i want right this minute. --i'm a bit impatient.
things aren't going the way i hoped they would go. --i'm a bit entitled.
i'm having to wait on others to determine things about our future. --i'm a bit impatient and i really like the illusion of control.
change has happened without warning and it shocked me and i ended up feeling left out. --i'm a mess.

such is life, huh.
but i did notice a change.
whereas i used to sit and stew about my expectations not being met or my feelings being hurt or my life feeling out of control, this time i kept going to Jesus about my weaknesses. now, i will be the first to admit, it didn't make the issues go away. i had to keep praying. --to keep asking for help, for a loving heart, for a flexible spirit as i know He has everything under control and i need not worry. --we all know that's easier said than done.

and while i still went to bed struggling (because i have a hard time letting things go) i also went to bed knowing that He is with me and He is sufficient. He is right here. i'd love to say i prayed about it once, totally trusted in the Lord, and moved on with my day in a joyful and compassionate manner, but alas, i did not. i struggled and wrestled all day long. it was exhausting.
i'm a sinful gal. and i had to continually go to Jesus with my confessions, repentance, and weakness.
i'm so thankful He loves me so. i'm so thankful for His endless patience with me as i learn to trust Him more. and i'm thankful that my weakness can be used for His glory. --which is outstanding and quite poetic since some of my sinful thoughts yesterday surrounded attaining glory for myself.

it's funny, with things that seem huge, i usually have an easier time trusting the Lord because i know the situation is so dad-gum big there's nothing i can do but rest in Him. but in the things that seem stupid and silly and small, things that i know i should just "get a grip" about, i have a harder time. i think it's because i'm relying more on my own adjustment of my attitude than on letting Jesus change me and mold me into His image.
it's important in times like this not to try to "do better" or "suck it up and try harder."  instead we must take it all to Him, lay it at His feet, speak truthfully about what's going on, and rely fully on Jesus.

2 corinthians 12:9
but he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.