missed it

a month before asher came to be part of our family, he was in the hospital again with a serious illness. on Christmas day, about 3 weeks before we even knew he existed, the hospital called CPS and let them know that he wouldn't make it through the day.

across town his biological half-brother would be spending Christmas in the shelter with lots and lots of other children and no parents. he would not get to be woken up on Christmas morning with kisses and hugs or run into our room and yell, "wake up wake up wake up!" 

our boys spent 3 months away from any family of any kind.

things like that make me grieve as a momma. 

i wasn't there. i didn't get to hold asher and tell him everything was going to be alright. i didn't get to cuddle with him in his hospital crib and kiss his forehead.  --although there would be more opportunities for that on the long road to health. i didn't get to sing "bumblebee tuna" to him to calm him down, which we would find out later would be his favorite song. 

i didn't get to watch judah as he unwrapped presents and got all wide-eyed with excitement and wonder. i didn't get to see him run around in Christmas pajamas and eat too much candy. 

i missed it. 

and it wasn't my choice to miss it. it would be three weeks before our agency would call us and say they had two more boys for us. two beautiful, amazing, strong boys.

first steps, first words, first birthdays, almost all the firsts of our children, i will never know.
but i know God knew what He was doing. He has perfect timing that our eyes cannot see. and sometimes i think He waited until after the hospitalization because He knew how hard it would have been to have 3 boys under 3 and 1 more in the hospital for a month, intubated, dying. sometimes i think that God used that time for others to come alongside our children before they were in our arms to care for and nurture them in ways that both our boys and those people needed. i'm certain there are many, many blessings that came out of that situation that i may never know about.

but you know what comforts me when i grieve the missed moments of my children's lives?
--they were not alone. i might not have been holding them, kissing them, singing to them, praying with them, but God was always with them. we say it everyday. we pray for them to remember it everyday. God is always with them, they are never alone. i know that my God comforts those who are lonely, heals those who are sick, cares for the orphan. i rejoice in who He is. He is our Great and Holy Father. and He never leaves His child's side.

--and as His child, and as a momma, i am so very thankful to Him for that.