Sunday, August 16, 2009

fear of the unknown

well my dearest southern friend is leaving tomorrow for SC and knowing how pleasant the weather is there, she will never be seen in south texas again. sad day. i've cried several times over the last few weeks as her and her family have prepared to leave. who will i laugh with and drink the sweet nectar of the gods (sweet tea) with? kyles, you will be missed.

i've been dealing with some impending fears in the area of our foster son, monkey. the situation remains the same. he is with us until something changes with bio mom. we continue to pray for her and that she would have people in her life that will help her see God for who He is, how much He loves her, and that she'll surrender her life to Him. we also pray for wisdom for her so that she'll know what to do that's best for her and for her son.

during the day, these fears are at bay. the fear that i'll forget what he looks like or forget what it sounds like to hear him laugh. the fear that he will be afraid if we're not around or that she won't take care of him the way she should. the fear that he'll grow up lost and confused and think we let him down or didn't love him and got rid of him. the fear that our older son, gabe, will feel betrayed, alone, and lost should he lose his best friend and brother.

the worst part about these fears (besides the fact that worrying is a sin and i'm being disobedient to God) is that we have no idea if they'll ever be warranted because we have no idea if and when our little guy might leave our home.

with gabe, we had less than a week's notice that we were chosen to be his family. we thought it would be a long, drawn-out process. --that we'd learn we were chosen, spend a couple of day visits with him, do over-night visits, and then have him full-time in our home. but instead, we found out on a thursday we were getting him, and then on friday we found out we were getting him the next wednesday. how fast a life can change!

what if they don't give us any time this time around?

the desire of my heart is to have monkey as a forever part of this family. he is a perfect fit. his smile lights up a room. his laugh is hysterical. his dance moves are hilarious. he is gabe's best friend.

but if bio mom can change her life, she deserves her baby back. and who wouldn't want this little monkey? what a beautiful joy he is. what a life-changing example he is of how God can richly bless us.

momma always says not to count our chickens before they hatch. God says not to worry. i think they're both wise. ;) so i will try to follow suit. adoption and fostering is the hardest thing i've ever had to do, but God shows us all the time that no one can pluck us from His hand.

if you're thinking of fostering but you think it'll be too hard, do it anyway. life shouldn't be easy.

they need you.

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