missed it

a month before asher came to be part of our family, he was in the hospital again with a serious illness. on Christmas day, about 3 weeks before we even knew he existed, the hospital called CPS and let them know that he wouldn't make it through the day.

across town his biological half-brother would be spending Christmas in the shelter with lots and lots of other children and no parents. he would not get to be woken up on Christmas morning with kisses and hugs or run into our room and yell, "wake up wake up wake up!" 

our boys spent 3 months away from any family of any kind.

things like that make me grieve as a momma. 

i wasn't there. i didn't get to hold asher and tell him everything was going to be alright. i didn't get to cuddle with him in his hospital crib and kiss his forehead.  --although there would be more opportunities for that on the long road to health. i didn't get to sing "bumblebee tuna" to him to calm him down, which we would find out later would be his favorite song. 

i didn't get to watch judah as he unwrapped presents and got all wide-eyed with excitement and wonder. i didn't get to see him run around in Christmas pajamas and eat too much candy. 

i missed it. 

and it wasn't my choice to miss it. it would be three weeks before our agency would call us and say they had two more boys for us. two beautiful, amazing, strong boys.

first steps, first words, first birthdays, almost all the firsts of our children, i will never know.
but i know God knew what He was doing. He has perfect timing that our eyes cannot see. and sometimes i think He waited until after the hospitalization because He knew how hard it would have been to have 3 boys under 3 and 1 more in the hospital for a month, intubated, dying. sometimes i think that God used that time for others to come alongside our children before they were in our arms to care for and nurture them in ways that both our boys and those people needed. i'm certain there are many, many blessings that came out of that situation that i may never know about.

but you know what comforts me when i grieve the missed moments of my children's lives?
--they were not alone. i might not have been holding them, kissing them, singing to them, praying with them, but God was always with them. we say it everyday. we pray for them to remember it everyday. God is always with them, they are never alone. i know that my God comforts those who are lonely, heals those who are sick, cares for the orphan. i rejoice in who He is. He is our Great and Holy Father. and He never leaves His child's side.

--and as His child, and as a momma, i am so very thankful to Him for that. 

deemed non-potty-trainable

hi. my name is asher. i'm a gemini that enjoys snuggly blankets, punching people in the booty when they bend over, saying, "i love you SO much, mommy," and telling people what i don't want to do.

i'll give you an example:

people say to please go get my shoes on,

and then i say i don't want to.

and sometimes people ask me to put my clothes in the hamper, and then i say i don't want to.

 and other times people tell me it's time to go potty, and then i say i don't want to.

--even though they are perfectly nice to me and give me m&ms when i go. 

but i'm stubborn.

haha. joke's on them.

even though my 3 brothers were pretty easy to potty-train, i've decided i won't be.

mom's got it too easy with 3 out of diapers and pull-ups. she needs a challenge. and she should be thankful that i am so willing to teach her how to handle one.

you're welcome, mom. 

i might never be potty-trained. did i just say that out loud? i meant to keep it in my head but now that it's out there, i think it sounds pretty good. 

but i'll keep going every once in awhile because those m&ms are so darn tasty. so yeah, the progress that seems to be happening? 

just for the m&ms. 

bam. 

THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

 *this post is dedicated to all those little rascals that give us a run for our money. and we'd like to be mad at them, but they're just so darn cute. here's to the cuties. --the non-potty-trainable-cuties. may God have mercy on us all.

the wee ones: then and now

after going through my pictures on my phone yesterday (over 800, btw) i decided to do a then and now with the kiddos. --since everyone thinks they're so cute and all. ;)

asher:blessed

this picture was taken when asher was 9 months old. when he laughed, he would wheeze. he was the fussiest little sick kid you ever did see. 

they released him from the hospital (after a 1 month stay) to me with 4 days' notice that we were getting him and his half brother. they gave him to me with no medication. and we were back in the ER within 2 days. after multiple trips to the ER and several hospital stays, we started seeing improvement. it was so rough. that might be an understatement. it was treacherous. but God is faithful.

now, he's a scrawny little 3 year old who likes to wear daddy's socks and who won't grow but is incredibly active. don't freak out. he's on high calorie drinks to help and we see a specialist. i promise we feed him. --all the stinkin' time.

in addition to being small and active, he's pretty stubborn.--he comes by it honestly, though. his dad sure is a stubborn guy. me? i'm not stubborn. i'm amazing. 

and humble.

 elijah:the Lord is my salvation

when we got elijah he was severely malnourished, 13 months old, couldn't crawl for more than 30 seconds because he'd get too tired, and looked sad all the time. this picture was taken about 9 months after we got him. he bulked up real nice, didn't he? now he's quite the tender-hearted little man. 

you'll have to wait for the "now" pic because it's with judah and it's later. hold your horses.

judah:praise

for the first several weeks of having judah (at 21 months) the only word he said was "no." i'm not kidding. it's ok, you can laugh. but then i'll punch you. seriously. weeks. no. no. no. no.

want a sandwich? no.

want to go outside? no.

want a million dollars? no.

how 'bout a horsie? no.

no. no. no. no.

BUT!!!!!

slowly he revealed his true colors. after being in a shelter for months, he had learned to fight to get what he wanted and be independent (not the good kind.) so as we cared more and more for his daily needs and showed him consistent love and affection, he let us see the real him. --a sweet boy who lights up when you compliment him or put him in charge of an activity. he is eager to help and is such a snuggler. and just look at 'em now, folks! cute brothers. one of which needs a haircut badly, but hey, one thing at a time, people.

gabe:strong man of God

 this photo was taken at the state fair of texas when gabe was 4 years old. isn't this little booger cute?

when we got gabe he was 2 years old and was a pretty dang obedient and easy-going kid. he had been with amazing, wonderful, loving foster parents for just under a year, so you could see that he had been tended to and loved in a mighty way. 

 now he's grown so much he can't even fit in a laundry basket! which apparently is a normal place for the young kids to hang out these days.

he's finished with kindergarten, smarter than me (so he thinks. he may be right.), and has trouble with verb tenses (are we the only ones saying, "ran, not runned" twenty-five times a day?)

i show you all this not so you'll be like, "dang. fostering and adopting is easy. she said it's rough but when the story is condensed to a "then and now" post, it just looks so simple. we should do this so i can put a "then and now" post on my blog with our future cute kids on it." or "this family is amazing. i hear angels sing when i look at them. i could never do anything like this. especially four boys. they are smelly. and they like bugs. i don't like bugs." --whoa, people! focus, please! 

i show you all this so you'll be like, "dang! we serve an amazing God who has a plan. look how He's working in that family."

i assure you we are not special or amazing. and i'm pretty sure angels don't sing when people look at us, although that would be pretty cool, or maybe annoying. 

we know Who is in charge, and we are constantly amazed by what He's doing and how He does it.

when we step out of our comfort zone to do the things we can't do on our own, we get a chance to see how He works. and He comes through. every single time.

asher's two

our little asher celebrated his second birthday this weekend and it got me to thinking...
there are a lot of things i never knew before asher came into our lives. he has really broadened my horizons.
so to commemorate this oh-so-auspicious of occasions, i thought i'd make a list.

before asher, i didn't know...
1. i would ever be on a first name basis with several different doctor's office staffs
2. what to do when a child swallows windex (the poison control lady was SO nice!)
3. how to go through a cps investigation. it sucks. it really, really does. all because he thought it'd be a good idea to face-plant onto a tile floor
4. how it feels to see your baby roll over, learn how to sit up, and all sorts of other milestones you miss when you start with toddlers
5. how kids could get so dirty while eating. now i see it. i really do. he basically bathed himself in his dinner. and finger painted with his chocolate milk. really creative.
6. what a screaming banshee sounds like. it's interesting, especially in public.
7. how hilarious it is to see a little guy attempt to be a big boy like his brothers (and be pretty good at it)
8. how much a curly-headed boy gets called a girl. yes, i have four boys. not three boys and a girl. no matter how many times you ask, the answer is still the same.
9. how you could possibly willingly care for a child at the hospital even though every fiber of your being wishes you and your child were asleep in your own beds and not on a gross fold-out couch
10. how much a kid could like getting licked in the face by dogs. -i'm talking pure, unadulterated excitement and joy. ew.

asher, thanks for being patient with daddy and i as we learn through trial and error (lots of error) how to be the parents of a truly wild and wonderful little man. you're pretty great. -i'm not gonna lie.

gotcha party!

(my superheroes)


we had our gotcha party this weekend and man was it fun. i'm tellin' yah...if you put a bouncy house outside... you need NO adult supervision for all the kids. it's like a big, fat, poofy babysitter... that you can JUMP on!! amazing! ;)

as part of the party you were supposed to dress up like your favorite superhero or make one up of your own. the kids and adults had fun dressing up. people are pretty creative.

("i'm VECTOR! i'm committing crime with both direction...and magnitude. oh yeah!")
leanna came as a supervillain because how can you have heroes without villains?
if you haven't ever seen despicable me, get on it. it's pretty darn cute.
PS: leanna DYED this track suit herself AND made this squid/piranha gun herself as well. handy dandy, huh?

(my sister: a medieval superhero princess lady. she's trying to look mean...grrr)

(judah and elijah. look at their big muscles!)

(picture quality here is not great, but 2 of my sons hugging? how could i resist?)

(trust me, you won't like him when he's angry. asher was the incredible hulk. he kept this hat/mask thing on for about...5 seconds)

(don't be jealous. not everyone can be married to batman)

i was supermom. i have no picture, but just picture me in an apron with an "M" on it.

we ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and ate copious amounts of cake. we gave away action figures and superhero silly bands as favors.

we had a great time and are so blessed to have friends and family who will celebrate with us!
we are even MORE blessed to be done with fostering for the time being. hip hip hooray! :0)

verdict is in

alright ladies and gentlemen...the verdict is in.

z-diddy and colalicious' parents relinquished their rights last week and confirmed it yesterday.
this means they gave up their rights. --probably because CPS discussed with them that if they had their rights terminated by the court instead of relinquishing, it would give them trouble if they ever had more children.

so that's that. now we wait 90 days for extended family to come forward and after that, adoption time.

we are set for elijah's adoption on october 22. big big day!

so all is well here. we are excited for all the kiddos to be ours. we are kinda attached. ;) we love them a lot.

thanks for the prayers!

colalicious top 10

colalicious is the baby of the family. he. is. awesome.
so we shall take a little time to delve deeper into what makes colalicious so amazing, fantastic, and cute.

1. colalicious is learning to walk. he's 15 months and can cruise with the best of them. not too interested in letting go, though
2. colalicious can make an elephant-like noise with his mouth and LOVES to imitate you when you make the noise too
3. colalicious eats everything in sight and can often be pacified by simply putting more food next to him. pretty easy going, i must say
4. colalicious loves to dance and kick his legs. he looks a bit like a frog attempting to jump. interesting
5. colalicious has 4 teeth and my, what big teeth they are. it's amazing what he can accomplish with just 4. makes me wonder what i need all my teeth for
6. colalicious is sick constantly. always on at least 3 meds. when he's sick he's on 6. we've gone 4 months between hospitalizations, so we are making great headway!
7. colalicious can clap and wave bye bye. these are huge steps in baby land
8. colalicious likes to play with his nebulizer and will actually put it up to his mouth to pretend to get a treatment. pretty hilarious since he screams bloody murder while actually GETTING the treatment
9. colalicious always wakes up at least once between the hours of midnight and 4am. he apparently really likes to scream his head off during this time. soothes the soul, i guess
10. colalicious, if he were not sickly, would be the most easy-going baby on the face of the planet. i look forward to seeing what he's like when he (hopefully) grows out of the sickness part

so there you go. all four kids are present and accounted for.
mediation for colalicous and z-diddy is tomorrow. this is parents' opportunity to relinquish their rights instead of having the rights taken away by the state.
we'll see. i'll let you know.

yet another one

so i haven't been around much this past week because our littlest has been in the hospital...yet again.

it is only ok because he is worth it.

but after this 4 day hospital stay, and my husband working overnight all weekend, we are slowly adjusting to even more sleep deprivation and more medications that we have to administer.

see, we have so many meds for him already that we had to buy a rather large tool box to store them all in so they are lockable. (foster care regulations)

but now, we have even more...where are we going to put all these?

the whole thing was just not a pleasant experience. emergency room at 8pm on wednesday, didn't get admitted to a room until 2am, moved rooms 3 times, rude doctor, discrepancies between what our pulmonologist says and what the hospital doctor says, breathing treatments every 2 hours. whew.

i. am. tired.

we got released and arrived home last night around 11:30pm. there's laundry to fold, kitchens to clean (apparently i have several), floors to be mopped, and kids to hug and hold.

i have made a master list, because that's how i roll. and i will slowly but surely check off each box throughout the next two weeks. --this is positive thinking.

God really truly provided for us during our stay. great and wonderful friends brought food, took the kids to the pool, and prayed. i am very grateful.

although we are home, the baby is not totally well. please continue to pray that he would recover fully and that we wouldn't see that hospital again for at least another 5 months!

the saga continues

no adoption in july

it's ok

don't cry about it

that won't do me any good ;)

our poor family tree.

alright here's the skinny on the "adoption that never was" --maybe that's a bit overdramatic... it's just postponed.

the baby, who has nothing to do with the adoption of elijah, hit his head. he fell. babies do this. -on occasion. fell and hit his head on the floor. shocked yet? nope? exactly.

but because he had a big ol' fat bruise on his forehead, i had to let CPS know, who in turn, had to let licensing know.

and then there's this thing called an investigation
it's exactly what it sounds like. and turns out, you can't adopt a kid while there's an open investigation on your home.

SO...we have to postpone it.
and that's ok. because if this was easy, everybody would be doing it. and we like to be the popular kids who try new things ;)

the end

no diagnosis

well i have good news and good news.

went to the geneticist today for the little baby and his parents did not come to the appointment, which made for a stress-free, lovely, almost holy experience. ;)

the other good news?
he does NOT have fetal alcohol syndrome. woohooooooooo!

one by one, we are checking off the boxes. no fetal alcohol, no damage from shaken baby. yeehaw!

how many can you name?

sorry that there haven't been many posts recently. besides being busy with our small tribe, i am a bit sickly and the hubs has been using the computer to finish grad school projects so he can graduate in MAY!! woohoooooooo!

i promise that soon there will be a light-hearted post that is full of blooms and blossoms and happy birds singing. but today, an update.

so more doctors for the baby. i know what you're thinking, "but marge, don't you have four children. why is every post about the youngest?" well, he's a bit of a high-maintenance dude. there are so many specialists that we are supposed to go see over the next few months. i need to schedule all of the appointments. here's the docs we're seeing. prayers are appreciated. 

1. geneticist 

2. ENT

3. GI doctor 

4. endocrinologist 

5. opthamologist 

6. pulmonologist 

7. blood work up 

--if we had a test later, how many would you be able to name? the hubs could only list two.

i promise i am not a hypochondriac. CPS and our pediatrician have referred us to all these doctors. a bit overwhelming, if you ask me. when i worked in ECI (early childhood intervention), we dealt with lots of parents who were in the process of getting a diagnosis for their child. there was a mourning process for them once they got that diagnosis. a mourning for the hopes and dreams they had for their child, and the realization that the life the child would have might be different. it didn't mean they had to change the dreams for their child, but they would have to realize that there might be obstacles that they would have to face together.

so over the next few months, we will be meeting all of these fabulous doctors, and hopefully we'll get more information that can help us address any of the baby's needs.

please pray for us as we get all of this information, wait in waiting rooms, find childcare for the other children, and deal with each diagnosis as it comes.